Damn the 08..!!

For last few years, the year 2008 has had this reputation of being the most crucial year of my life, a dawn of a new era. By the end of this year though..I can say it quite safely, it was the worst of 'em all...as if the night itself has elongated the hours of darkness...

Heard this in a movie yesterday...."I could have saved them if it wasn't for you..!!"

Maybe he would still be here if it wasn't for me?...or at least I should have told him..how much I loved...now I can only hope that he knew that already...he deserved to know...I wish..I just wish for once in my life, I could turn back in time...If I could set things right...If I can erase the guilt...the regret. But somethings are bound to be with you..for a lifetime.

It took me an eternity to write the above-mentioned. I have never been this weak...or maybe I have never known myself this well. I typed...and then I held my head in my hands...I typed and then I held my head in my hands again...and then maybe I cried a bit...

Heck with that..I'll be stronger. Nah..its not a resolution...I have ought to be...don't have any other option. I'll also remember this year as the year I graduated...the year my career would/(should?) have taken off. But then, anticipation is the death of joy.

We expect the joyous notion to reside with us and start taking it for granted, when it already is there with us. When we have what we crave for, we are happy...but not as much as we should have been and when we are not happy...we obviously are not...!!

Lets stop taking happiness for granted.

->gibberish: would not make sense to most<-

Anticipation: I should have..I want...will have it...I have it now...joy: happy? nah..I have it 'coz I deserved it..!!

.............Anticipation: I don't have it...should have had it...joy: happy? nah I deserved it..and I still don't have it!!

->end of gibberish<-

OK...shit apart..

...this is how I looked at the start of this year...

...and this is how I look now...

...I hope I haven't changed much...

Oh..and this is how I sing (now you know why my blog is in the silent mode today!!)..well if Himesh can..so can I.. ^-^..yeah I know its unbearable..but hear it for my sake yaaron.. (I am expecting comments on this as well..):p..I know the recording is a little shity and the sound that you may hear in the background is the T.V coverage of Delhi Bomb-blasts. Yeah...I have been Indifferent lately..(23 years to be precise)..

Click Play

The song is But It Rained originally by Parikrama.
However unbearable my cover may be....do hear the original song, you people would love it. :)

P.S: If you were looking for an intellectual post...I am sorry to disappoint you. I have buried my intellect in a coffin...all that's left now..is an attention craving, self possessed lunatic...

Ahhh...Peace.
:D

Insanity flows in...

I open my eyes and then close 'em again... and then I hope and then I open 'em again.. nah..no change..

Its said that when you are confused and and unable to make a decision close your eyes, loose yourself and let your sub-conscious decide. Now here is my question..what if my sub-conscious is in complete adherence with myself and stands with a smirk on its face and a confused emotion poking at me...of sorts?

When you are going nowhere...you are going nowhere! Let alone my subconscious even my super-conscious is equally amused at my present state of hysteria. I know I have been asking too many questions lately but then I have never been a great preacher, just a curious soul. Do you know whats my favorite posture? Arms wide open..looking up in the sky feeling the wind across my face..mind sans of thoughts, hearing, feeling, taking deep breaths, a wry smile on the face, taking hit after hit....BLANK....absorbing what the world has to offer.

Its said that your best comes when you are at your worst, pushed against the wall. I don't think its my worst yet...So bite me Oh...almighty....'coz I want to be at my best.

there goes the sanity, there goes regret...
this ain't the end...'coz I ain't smiling yet.

Feeling so bloody light

Right this very moment...All I want to do is:

Spread my arms...
Take a deep breath..
Close my eyes...
Float...


Not thinking...Empty-headed...I believe, its a momentary state of numbness...
Soaked with music...I feel like headbanging.. :)
Enjoy the music.

P.S: I am not on dope. :p

What the...

Some people are inspirational, some are hot..then there are the smooth talkers..and then..the attention grabbers...some are born leaders..some mysterious...some silent...there are preachers...people's favorites...some are artistic..creative..innovative...some are famous..some are fit, some are successful and some are plane lucky...(bastards) :p

Me..?? I am none...just an average Joe...and on top of that...I only JUST realized that...!!

and I just can't stop laughing at myself.

Fuck...!!:D

Maybe I should have a session of "self exploration"...LOL

And btw...nothing is wrong with me...I just feel humorously pathetic today. You know, when you realize...you are not doing great in life..you aspire to be Bon Jovi...and you end up being..well..no one..but you don't give a damn about it...and just can't stop laughing at yourself...that my mates is the eternal state of humorous pathetic ism.. ;)

Oh..and I'll be less weird the next time. Its hard to make sense these days. I may come up with a happy post even.. :D

P.S: I think I need a g.f or an iPOD.

Mocking the reality...

Perceiving the bits and pieces in me,
cursing my non-genuine insensitivity...

Everything you see, is not everything that I am..
Not wearing a mask, but being one myself.
You may not notice coz I am good at this..
oblivious to what lies underneath.

Its my life, these are my moves
Yes you won, maybe I just wanted to loose.
I may not be real, just a manipulation of myself
but sometimes even reality...

.....is not reality

and neither is the smile that I wear... :)

Why is it that at times crying heavily for 5 minutes amazingly eases your pain...more than being happy for a very long period?
Is shedding a tear more important than wearing a smile?
Why then do we keep saying that laughter is the best medicine, when we know for sure...that crying is the last resort...?

The ordinary, the rebel...and the extraordinary..

Random, weird theory on the 'living' and the choices that they make.

When we are born we are all in the same spot of bother...worried, anxious and nervous...looking for support and appreciation.

As we grow old, we start differing. Our lives start deviating from the general course depending on the hierarchy of choices that we make. Every decision that we take has consequences. Even an indecision is a decision. On one hand we have our passion/dreams...on the other...pressure, expectations and responsibilities...rising, with each accomplishment...tightening the grip year after year...as we grow old, creating imbalance.

The Ordinary...succumbs to the pressure...suffocating the dreamer that is inside, passions and hopes soon follow...these are the people who make SACRIFICES..

The rebel...Questions, is stubborn and unwilling to bow down to any expectations but his own. Unfazed, intolerant to the world around him...These are the ones who take RISKS.

The Extra-ordinary...They balance...the left and the right...the wrong and the correct. These are the people who fulfill their expectations and live their passions...they don't need to be perfect...just need to be passionate in their imperfections. These are the ones who strike the right BALANCE.

And then there are those confused souls...not sure of what they are after...their dreams or their responsibilities. Swaying one side and then the other. Never still. But on the verge of making a CHOICE....

P.S: I usually think before I post. This one is an exception. For once I have done some justice to the description of my blog. Its almost the gibberish fresh from my cerebrum. Its not necessary that this will make sense to all. Forgive me for that. :)

Living on the edge, in hope...

Off late I have been having more than my fair share of technical difficulties. First I was disconnected from the world when my phone died, leaving me with a useless broadband terminal and then when I was just getting back in the groove, my SMPS went berserk. The inability to get my system ON pisses me OFF even more than a one-off lame incident like the one in the previous post. In short the RAHU and KETU of my computer were pretty heavy this fortnight.. :D

Anyways, I went to buy a new SMPS today and spent the whole day at a friend's place. When I came back home in the evening, all chirpy, I entered my house. The first thing that I heard was... "An Autorikshaw has just exploded in Gaffar...possibly it was a CNG cylinder explosion"

I went on in my cynic self, fitting the SMPC in the cabinet of my CPU at the same time... "Ya...and they say CNG is bloody safe" Next thing I heard...breaking news... "Blast no. 2,3,4,5"

...bloody fuck...was I shocked..?? No...not more than my mother to say the least. She went on... "Kya haal ho gaya hai..ghar se nikalna bhi safe nahi hai ab to..!!"

I was just watching...with a cold, stern face...simultaneously fitting the SMPS as if it doesn't effect me. Not a single sign of emotional distress. A single frown..?? No...nothing. I was cold, I still am.

Explosions with sickening regularity and the live media coverage which (the media) by the way has no sense of explicitness...has somehow possibly killed the explosion-sensitive emotion in me...I had that "Ya its a daily affair" look on my face. Am I a victim too...?? Probably yes..may be the hidden agenda they conspire on us is the cold hearted acceptance of an outrageously unsafe society, vulnerable to chaos. Am I the only one to succumb to this numb-ification...? or am I just one amongst the millions...? Are these explosions the only contributors...?

People die under bloody Bluelines these days...some have BMWs and the license to kill as well. The value of life is diminishing.

There is no law...there is no order...We live in hope...hope of...?

The Root...

Once upon a time (when cable network was an outcry and kite flying as popular as cricket) there was this young guy. By young I mean...well..he was a kid..09-10 years old. He used to spend his holidays at his granny's place. His aunt (mother's sister) used to give tutions to little kids, mostly younger then himself. He was sometimes forced to take time out of usual nothingness (which he used to enjoy at that time) to teach those kids at times too. That's how he came to know Gina. She was a year younger and friendly and needless to say a very sweet girl (most children at that age are..!!). Once after the tuition was over this girl asked the guy's aunt if she can take the guy to her house for some time..to play maybe..? The aunt had to inevitably agree, given the nuisance that guy was. The guy was a little (this is a metaphor) shy. So he had to be pushed...and pulled..Well..Gina was pulling and aunty was pushing.."arey chala jaa...!!"

Fine. They started the journey. As they crossed the first block of houses, the familiarity of the neighborhood vanished, nervous jitters started bumbling inside the young tummy of this guy of ours. Gina's home suddenly started to seem a light year away. As they entered Gina's locality the guy started noticing the weird stares coming from the unknown faces on both sides of the street...He thought...

"so much attention, why don't I melt into nothingness this right moment. God please let me out of this situation I will eat bhindi for two weeks..!!"

Gina who was walking ahead in the meanwhile had managed to miss the hysteria on his face and kept talking just the way she had all this while.

"This is my locality, my house is just two blocks away...thats my school, thats my friend's house..BLAH BLAH."

Somehow it all converted into gibberish as it hit the ear drums of our nervous young guy.

That's when the most cowardly act of the millennium took place...he snapped...freed his hand took a U-turn and started running back. He had not the stomach to look back but he could imagine the "Oh my God..what happened" look on Gina's face..(maybe he heard that statement as well). But nothing could stop him. He ran back to the Granny's house. What happened afterward is not more important than the fact that he never saw Gina's face again. How could he. He was so embarrassed. He didn't know what she felt about the whole situation. He was still confused himself. His poor little brain could not contemplate the simplest of reasons for that super act of cowardliness.

As he turns old he flushes that part of his life somewhere down the drains in his cerebrum. But a slight reminder of that incident answered the only question he has been asking throughout his life...

"that is it then...that is the root of all the problems...that's where it all started."

As to the question: why...?

Well, simply because he was scared of attention...and affection from unexpected quarters. He still is...just adding on to that list...he is now scared of commitment as well.

All this while it never occurred to him, what the plight of Gina must have been. Stranded in middle of the street, a guy running in the opposite direction as if he was being abducted. The stares must have shifted the focus at that point in time. She was just a little girl...! He doesn't know where Gina is now. He doesn't know how she is...but from the core of his heart he wishes to say:

"I am sorry Gina. Sorry for being so stupid."

Happy with my share of Independence (post from previous blog)

As it comes out of an intellectual conversation with one of my friends, I am a certified non-patriot now. Incidentally I have somehow lagged behind in doing my bit for the nation as I have not been forwarding the oh so patriotic SMS’s to my friends. I have to thank that friend for this realization.

Maybe the rush of blood and that unadulterated euphoria that comes with the slightest of proud national moments are old school techniques to show that I am a patriot. Frankly, I don’t need to show if I care. Sitting inside my house with a stomach full of delicacies and with a computer and the Internet (24 X 7 connectivity) right in front of me, does my say matter? Obviously I am proud of my nation and happy with the freedom that comes to me…as a birth right.

Maybe someone living under a torn piece of cloth…calling it a shelter, fighting for his/her basic rights to survive will have a better say in this. I have no right to define independence but for me its never complete until every such man can feel what true independence is. A lot has to be done, much lesser to be said or written.

Just for the record, I do nothing. Being the hippocrate that I am, I find my glory in patriot (izing) my image in an image editor.

Nonetheless…I am proud…

Happy Sixty first…

Sinks in oblivion the real meaning
epiphany is awaited…
‘coz the day each feels it for themselves
shall be the day of independence.

Forgotten by each political intellect,
The flame has dimmed a little…
but the revolution ain’t over yet,
Just one phase of it…

Claustrophobic..(post from previous blog)

Maybe I don’t belong
but I don’t care anymore.
I may fail…but I wont change…

May be inside I know…
I m Indifferent to Ur sacred shades…
But I don’t need your honor…I have mine…

Maybe I too pretend.
But I am not as good as you,
at least I make sure,
I make sure you know…

what I feel…coz what I feel is what i say…
maybe inside I suffocate,
suffocate as hell..
But you don’t care…I know that as well.

Why is it that sometimes the closest of the people around you find it so difficult to comprehend something that even a distant onlooker may notice with the slightest of difficulties. Do they tend to overlook or is it just too trivial to react. Why is it that you have to say things despite them being the hardest to say.

Why are people so bloody adamant on CHANGING you…?
Or then…is it just me..!!?

Please prefer your brain…over your gadgets.(post from previous blog)

A casual conversation between two scientists:

A:”I have got an IQ level of 180..!!”
B:”I have a 4 Terra flop super computer…beat that…!!”

What kind are you…?
Oh wait you are not even a scientist (as if i am one..!!)...

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How lazy can it get then…!!(post from previous blog)

Well…It has been long since I wrote, In fact I haven’t been online for the whole last week. I mean, I have just logged in to check my mails and went off. It would have taken a natural disaster to take me off for so long for the kind of surfer that I am. But then I have simmered down in past few months in manners more than one. It was more of a technical disaster this time...

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My first driving lesson.(post from previous blog)

Alright before you start picturing me as a cute little punkish 16 year old teenager and rush to the supermarket to get me a racing CAP…I should let you know..that I am 22 and yes I DON’T KNOW HOW TO DRIVE A CAR…YET. If thats not amusing enough…I don’t have a driving license either. And for those who think its obvious not to have a DL when you don’t know how to drive…come… VISIT INDIA and have your logics redefined…

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