Batting eyelashes at me.. :D

Damn the 08..!!

For last few years, the year 2008 has had this reputation of being the most crucial year of my life, a dawn of a new era. By the end of this year though..I can say it quite safely, it was the worst of 'em if the night itself has elongated the hours of darkness...

Heard this in a movie yesterday...."I could have saved them if it wasn't for you..!!"

Maybe he would still be here if it wasn't for me?...or at least I should have told much I I can only hope that he knew that already...he deserved to know...I wish..I just wish for once in my life, I could turn back in time...If I could set things right...If I can erase the guilt...the regret. But somethings are bound to be with you..for a lifetime.

It took me an eternity to write the above-mentioned. I have never been this weak...or maybe I have never known myself this well. I typed...and then I held my head in my hands...I typed and then I held my head in my hands again...and then maybe I cried a bit...

Heck with that..I'll be stronger. Nah..its not a resolution...I have ought to be...don't have any other option. I'll also remember this year as the year I graduated...the year my career would/(should?) have taken off. But then, anticipation is the death of joy.

We expect the joyous notion to reside with us and start taking it for granted, when it already is there with us. When we have what we crave for, we are happy...but not as much as we should have been and when we are not happy...we obviously are not...!!

Lets stop taking happiness for granted.

->gibberish: would not make sense to most<-

Anticipation: I should have..I want...will have it...I have it happy? nah..I have it 'coz I deserved it..!!
.............Anticipation: I don't have it...should have had happy? nah I deserved it..and I still don't have it!!

->end of gibberish<-

OK...shit apart..
...this is how I looked at the start of this year...

...and this is how I look now...

...I hope I haven't changed much...

Oh..and this is how I sing (now you know why my blog is in the silent mode today!!)..well if Himesh can I.. ^-^..yeah I know its unbearable..but hear it for my sake yaaron.. (I am expecting comments on this as well..):p..I know the recording is a little shity and the sound that you may hear in the background is the T.V coverage of Delhi Bomb-blasts. Yeah...I have been Indifferent lately..(23 years to be precise)..

Click Play

The song is But It Rained originally by Parikrama.
However unbearable my cover may hear the original song, you people would love it. :)

P.S: If you were looking for an intellectual post...I am sorry to disappoint you. I have buried my intellect in a coffin...all that's left an attention craving, self possessed lunatic...


When I did 'It' for the very first time

"Its never wise to cultivate your hopes until you are sure of what you are into"

It was a wonderful evening. Cool breeze frisking through my hairs. An agonizingly mysterious chill in the air was pointing at something inevitably exiting, waiting for me that day. That's when I saw her. She was moving as if her soul is in sync with some belle dancer, as if flying 'high'. Dressed in flashing dark red color with a shade of black. She had this hassle free, euphoric radiance..and moved so freely as if waiting to fall in someone's hands...waiting to just give in...made me smile.

She went right across my face as if inviting me, enticing me...I expanded my hands in her direction..and swiftly, she moved in. Juggling my hands across the string(s?). I was young. I was nervous. It was the first time I was holding her so closely. I always wondered how it would be when I'll do it for the first time. I used to have fantasies often. My face was dripping in anxiety and a chilly feeling was running through my spine. One wrong move and I would have screwed it all.

Tenderly pulling the string with my sweaty palms, pulling her closer...suddenly I realized there was no reel there with me. So I tied her, right there!! Rushed downstairs...

Have you ever wondered how all the inanimate objects seem to hide themselves whenever you need them the most? It took me an eternity to find that little piece of equipment.

"What if she unties herself...
she seems so high..
she needs me right now...
I need her rather...
I don't want this chance to escape my clutches...
She's mine..."

...I thought.

And just then everything in the store room seemed to have started singing happy songs in symphony...I had finally discovered 'it' after all...It was right in front of me...the reel of thread and 'maanja'...the 'Charkhi'

With the brightest of smile...a chuckle rather...I rushed back to the terrace...untied the thread from the antenna...She was still flying high...on her own. (the wind was pretty strong). I tied the loose end of the 'maanja' from my reel with the string...and..then...well you have got the drift.

That's how I learned to do it. My first, very first time...I flew a Kite on my own.

All right...hit me now.. :D

Insanity flows in...

I open my eyes and then close 'em again... and then I hope and then I open 'em again.. change..

Its said that when you are confused and and unable to make a decision close your eyes, loose yourself and let your sub-conscious decide. Now here is my question..what if my sub-conscious is in complete adherence with myself and stands with a smirk on its face and a confused emotion poking at me...of sorts?

When you are going are going nowhere! Let alone my subconscious even my super-conscious is equally amused at my present state of hysteria. I know I have been asking too many questions lately but then I have never been a great preacher, just a curious soul. Do you know whats my favorite posture? Arms wide open..looking up in the sky feeling the wind across my face..mind sans of thoughts, hearing, feeling, taking deep breaths, a wry smile on the face, taking hit after hit....BLANK....absorbing what the world has to offer.

Its said that your best comes when you are at your worst, pushed against the wall. I don't think its my worst yet...So bite me Oh...almighty....'coz I want to be at my best.

there goes the sanity, there goes regret...
this ain't the end...'coz I ain't smiling yet.