When I did 'It' for the very first time

"Its never wise to cultivate your hopes until you are sure of what you are into"

It was a wonderful evening. Cool breeze frisking through my hairs. An agonizingly mysterious chill in the air was pointing at something inevitably exiting, waiting for me that day. That's when I saw her. She was moving as if her soul is in sync with some belle dancer, as if flying 'high'. Dressed in flashing dark red color with a shade of black. She had this hassle free, euphoric radiance..and moved so freely as if waiting to fall in someone's hands...waiting to just give in...made me smile.

She went right across my face as if inviting me, enticing me...I expanded my hands in her direction..and swiftly, she moved in. Juggling my hands across the string(s?). I was young. I was nervous. It was the first time I was holding her so closely. I always wondered how it would be when I'll do it for the first time. I used to have fantasies often. My face was dripping in anxiety and a chilly feeling was running through my spine. One wrong move and I would have screwed it all.

Tenderly pulling the string with my sweaty palms, pulling her closer...suddenly I realized there was no reel there with me. So I tied her, right there!! Rushed downstairs...

Have you ever wondered how all the inanimate objects seem to hide themselves whenever you need them the most? It took me an eternity to find that little piece of equipment.

"What if she unties herself...

she seems so high..

she needs me right now...
I need her rather...
I don't want this chance to escape my clutches...
She's mine..."

...I thought.

And just then everything in the store room seemed to have started singing happy songs in symphony...I had finally discovered 'it' after all...It was right in front of me...the reel of thread and 'maanja'...the 'Charkhi'

With the brightest of smile...a chuckle rather...I rushed back to the terrace...untied the thread from the antenna...She was still flying high...on her own. (the wind was pretty strong). I tied the loose end of the 'maanja' from my reel with the string...and..then...well you have got the drift.

That's how I learned to do it. My first, very first time...I flew a Kite on my own.




All right...hit me now.. :D

Insanity flows in...

I open my eyes and then close 'em again... and then I hope and then I open 'em again.. nah..no change..

Its said that when you are confused and and unable to make a decision close your eyes, loose yourself and let your sub-conscious decide. Now here is my question..what if my sub-conscious is in complete adherence with myself and stands with a smirk on its face and a confused emotion poking at me...of sorts?

When you are going nowhere...you are going nowhere! Let alone my subconscious even my super-conscious is equally amused at my present state of hysteria. I know I have been asking too many questions lately but then I have never been a great preacher, just a curious soul. Do you know whats my favorite posture? Arms wide open..looking up in the sky feeling the wind across my face..mind sans of thoughts, hearing, feeling, taking deep breaths, a wry smile on the face, taking hit after hit....BLANK....absorbing what the world has to offer.

Its said that your best comes when you are at your worst, pushed against the wall. I don't think its my worst yet...So bite me Oh...almighty....'coz I want to be at my best.

there goes the sanity, there goes regret...
this ain't the end...'coz I ain't smiling yet.

Living on the edge, in hope...

Off late I have been having more than my fair share of technical difficulties. First I was disconnected from the world when my phone died, leaving me with a useless broadband terminal and then when I was just getting back in the groove, my SMPS went berserk. The inability to get my system ON pisses me OFF even more than a one-off lame incident like the one in the previous post. In short the RAHU and KETU of my computer were pretty heavy this fortnight.. :D

Anyways, I went to buy a new SMPS today and spent the whole day at a friend's place. When I came back home in the evening, all chirpy, I entered my house. The first thing that I heard was... "An Autorikshaw has just exploded in Gaffar...possibly it was a CNG cylinder explosion"

I went on in my cynic self, fitting the SMPC in the cabinet of my CPU at the same time... "Ya...and they say CNG is bloody safe" Next thing I heard...breaking news... "Blast no. 2,3,4,5"

...bloody fuck...was I shocked..?? No...not more than my mother to say the least. She went on... "Kya haal ho gaya hai..ghar se nikalna bhi safe nahi hai ab to..!!"

I was just watching...with a cold, stern face...simultaneously fitting the SMPS as if it doesn't effect me. Not a single sign of emotional distress. A single frown..?? No...nothing. I was cold, I still am.

Explosions with sickening regularity and the live media coverage which (the media) by the way has no sense of explicitness...has somehow possibly killed the explosion-sensitive emotion in me...I had that "Ya its a daily affair" look on my face. Am I a victim too...?? Probably yes..may be the hidden agenda they conspire on us is the cold hearted acceptance of an outrageously unsafe society, vulnerable to chaos. Am I the only one to succumb to this numb-ification...? or am I just one amongst the millions...? Are these explosions the only contributors...?

People die under bloody Bluelines these days...some have BMWs and the license to kill as well. The value of life is diminishing.

There is no law...there is no order...We live in hope...hope of...?